The First Father’s Day Without My Dad

The day I lay my father to rest beside my mother.

I miss my beautiful dad whom I lost 3 months ago on my mom’s bday. I miss my mom. His death on her bday has made me relive my mom’s death again. I still have to learn how to live each day without them. It sucks. My heart is eternally broken. I loved him so very much.

My mom and dad and sister and I. I miss my parents so much.

Today is the first Father’s Day without him. I feel so much sadness on a day that used to bring me so much joy. We used to go out every Father’s Day and I’d buy him a present. I hate this new reality. It’s a nightmare. No Father’s Day will ever be the same for me again. I hate having no parents alive anymore. Last Father’s Day I took him on a trip to the Okanagan a memory I will forever treasure. 

We were supposed to be going to Norway in August with his new passport, now never more :(.

I miss him today so much my heart and soul hurt. This beautiful poem Adrift by Mark Nepo echoes everything I am feeling.

I was given this excerpt below in my grief support group I just recently finished. There is an expectation in society that adult children shouldn’t hurt as much but I can tell you at least for me that isn’t the case. 

By David Kessler

“When a parent of an adult dies, there is almost an unspoken expectation that it will not hit you head on. An adult is expected to accept death as a part of life, to handle all sudden losses in an appropriate adult manner. But really, what does that mean? That you should not be sad? That you should be so grateful they didn’t die when you were a child that you don’t need to mourn your parent? The above considerations demonstrate an under-estimation of grief.

Grief is the reflection of the connection that has been lost. That loss does not diminish because you are an adult or because your mother or father lived a long life. Our society places enormous pressure on us to get over loss, to get through the grief. But how long do you grieve for the man who was your father for 30 years? Do you grieve less for your mother of 50 years? The loss happens in a moment, but its aftermath lasts a lifetime. The grief is real because loss is real. Each loss has its own imprint, as distinctive and unique as the person we lost. It doesn’t matter how old we are.

When we lose an aged parent, many times friends with good intentions try to offer condolences, such as, “He had a long life, you must be happy about that,” or, “You’re so lucky he died so quickly.” However, these words often do not resonate as we suffer the loss of a father or mother who had been by our side our entire life. We will never have another father. We will never have another mother.

The parental connection

We sometimes forget the depth of connection we have with our parents. They are often our main connection in the world and to the world. Even if we have a loving spouse, children and many close friends, the death of a parent means the loss of one of our first and most important connections. The misconception that a mature and capable adult will not need to grieve their parent can cause the bereaved to feel even more alone, as their grief goes unrecognized.

Reflection

After our parents die, we take another look at them. We realize, perhaps for the first time, all they did for us as children. For some of us, when we become parents, we appreciate the challenges our own parents must have gone through. We gain a new perspective on their lives. If we idealized our parents when we were kids, now we also see their flaws and imperfections. In the case of losing one parent, for instance your mother, there is a great opportunity to get to know more about her from the perspective and experiences of your surviving father.

In our adulthood, our relationship with our parents changes and continues. Before a parent is gone, we understand intellectually that they will die someday. But understanding and anticipating does not prepare us for the grief we feel when as an adult we lose a parent.”

One of my friend’s sent me this poem because they know I’m so sad and I couldn’t think of a better way to explain the enormity and lasting impact of this type of grief. I lost my dad Feb 23, 2023 and the grief is heavy as ever on June 18, 2023.

I keep thinking about the last time he kissed me and told me how much he loved me in hospital. I miss how he told me he loved me every single day and just seeing and talking to him. I miss the sound of his voice. I miss going to him for his sage advice on everything. He was so kind, elegant and marvellous and my dearest best friend.

My dad loved Hummers and Snow Geese so I got this tattoo to honour him….And Yes Dad Our Love Will Never End.

Thank you Dad for everything you ever gave to me and taught me. It was an honour and gift to be your daughter. I will miss you forever. My heart will forever hurt without you and I wish I could share so much of my future achievements and life with you. 

I love you now and forever.