1 year since I lost my father

My dad and I whom I miss terribly. One year on since I lost him.

Today would have been my mother's bday. Her name was Valerie and it is also the first year anniversary of the death of my beloved father, Arne. There is not a day that goes by where I don't think of them. Now for ever more the day of his death will be connected to her birthday, a very sad day but in a way that connection is beautiful to tie them together.

My beautiful family before we lost both parents.

I put flowers down at their grave to celebrate them both today.

I hate that it is one year since I told him I loved him and hugged him. I miss him so very much. I miss his voice, his love and guidance and support. The ground for me feels shakier without his guidance and safety. I hate I will never see him again or talk to him again. Can't believe how quick time passes. This is why it is so important we treasure every single day to the fullest and tell those we love them. I will never forget the day he passed away, he got sick so suddenly...the day we turned the ventilator off and the moment he took his last breath while I held his hand. 

It is so awful losing him after my mom. This was my greatest fear. When my mom passed I thought immediately I can’t lose him too. I can't believe I survived it. It shows how resilient us humans are despite such great pain. The birds he introduced me to have helped to hold me up through it all.  

I still cry a lot and sometimes the grief is all consuming. It can hit at the strangest and most inconvenient of times. Losing a parent hurts, losing both hurts even worse. It sucks being an adult orphan. Adults still need their mom and dad. I sure do. I hate that there are so many secondary losses as well. He will miss so many milestones in my life he will never see and read my upcoming book that he was so proud of. I hope my mom and dad will see it still somehow from Heaven. He will never see my children. My nephew Parker misses his grandparents and says so a lot. It’s so sad they can’t watch him grow up but at least they met him and loved him.

I would give anything to see him again for even one minute, same with my mother.

He was my rock and the best dad anyone could ever hope for.

Hope you are with mom now dad and at peace like you deserve. My heart is broken without you but I think of you with a smile. I am so blessed for all the wonderful memories of love from childhood to adulthood. Thank you for giving me so much unconditional love to me and my love of birds and nature. Thank you for such a good life. 

I will always be grateful for your love and your life. I was blessed to be your daughter.

I LOVE YOU DAD NOW AND FOREVER.


“When you lose someone you love,
Your life becomes strange,
The ground beneath you becomes fragile,
Your thoughts make your eyes unsure;
And some dead echo drags your voice down
Where words have no confidence
Your heart has grown heavy with loss;
And though this loss has wounded others too,
No one knows what has been taken from you

When the silence of absence deepens.
Flickers of guilt kindle regret
For all that was left unsaid or undone.

There are days when you wake up happy;
Again inside the fullness of life,
Until the moment breaks
And you are thrown back
Onto the black tide of loss.
Days when you have your heart back,
You are able to function well
Until in the middle of work or encounter,
Suddenly with no warning,
You are ambushed by grief.

It becomes hard to trust yourself.
All you can depend on now is that
Sorrow will remain faithful to itself.
More than you, it knows its way
And will find the right time
To pull and pull the rope of grief
Until that coiled hill of tears
Has reduced to its last drop.

Gradually, you will learn acquaintance
With the invisible form of your departed;
And when the work of grief is done,
The wound of loss will heal
And you will have learned
To wean your eyes
From that gap in the air
And be able to enter the hearth
In your soul where your loved one
Has awaited your return
All the time.”

~John O’Donohue


No one loved me like my dad. Now both people who knew me since I was born are gone. No one made me feel more loved and more special. He had true unconditional love and kindness for me. He was the last constant person through my whole life and my guide, who is now gone. I will miss him forever and ever. Rest in peace sweet Father. I will never forget you.



Comments

  1. AnonymousFebruary 25, 2024 at 10:24 PM


    Those we love don’t go away.
    They walk beside us every day,
    Unseen, unheard but always near,
    Still loved, still missed, and oh so very dear.
    Winnie The Pooh.

    ReplyDelete

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