My First Mother's Day Without My Mother

This is my first Mother’s Day without my mom. I am still deeply affected and afflicted with emotional pain. I took the day off from the RBA to just remember her and honour her. My dad, sister and I visited her grave with a bouquet of flowers. I cried a lot but it gives me a bit of comfort that she now has a head stone that I can touch. I didn't want to leave. I can’t believe it’s been just over 4 months since I lost her.

To my Mom:

Mom you were so great. You were so loved. I miss you so much today. I wish every day that you were here with Meghan, Dad and I. I will never be truly happy again until I see you once more.

Thank you for being such a wonderful mother. I will never ever forget you. I cannot wait to see you again in Heaven. Since you died in my arms, this is one of the hardest days I have been through without you. Normally I would be taking you out for brunch today, hugging you and telling you how much I loved you.

Mom, you watched me take my first breath and I unfortunately watched you take your last. The pain in my heart is still unbearable, physical and emotional pain. I miss talking to you and would give my eyesight or my ability to walk to just see you one more day.

I love you to the Moon and Back. Thank you for loving Meghan and I and for everything you ever did for us. I miss you more and more each day. Life will never be the same without you. It is hard to watch Dad and Meghan suffer from broken hearts. I still cry every single day about you. I miss you that much. Everyday hurts without you but today just a little bit more because I can't show or tell you how much you mean to me.

I would give anything to wish you a Happy Mother's Day in person today. It is hard to keep living without you. To only have your pictures and not you to hold and not be able to tell you about what new bird I see. I think about you every single day, multiple times a day. Every day is still a painful struggle for me, despite putting on a brave face. I have so many regrets and am so sad I won't be able to share the future with you. I miss your beautiful smile. I am so THANKFUL for every day we shared together over the years and all the places we went and talks we had together. I’ll never forget how happy you were the day I graduated university, the day Meghan got married or the moment your grandson was born.

You were my best friend and you were my heart. I hate how badly you had to suffer from that evil cancer. It was my honour to look after you as you got sick, and to ensure you were safe and comfortable as possible. I hope you are now surrounded by bluebirds, eternal bird song, rainbows and the peonies you loved so much.

Mom you were truly unforgettable and as Johnny Mercer wrote “when my life is through and the angels ask me to recall, the thrill of them all... I shall tell them I remember you.”

My friend Keith painted a beautiful painting of my mom which I have now hung on my mantle. It is so realistic; it makes me feel like a piece of her is still with me. It is one of the kindest and most unexpected things anyone has ever done for me. My friend Krista bought us a beautiful bunch of flowers today which was also such a kind touching act. Thank you both. Thank you also to all the friends who checked in on me today, thought of me and sent me strength.

I sat by the beach today and visited and birded Point Roberts - a place where my mother owned property and loved to visit with me. We had so many happy memories there.

Happy Mother’s Day to all those who are celebrating their moms and to all the moms out there. Cherish every day you have with your mothers (and for that fact, your fathers too), as you never know when it will be your last. 

I also want to send love and comfort to all those who have lost their moms, and for who, this day is painful and heartbreaking.

My mom holding me when I was a baby. She watched me take my first breath and I watched her take her last

I'm so glad my mom got to see my sister Meghan's wedding day


Mom, I WILL SEE YOU on the other side and only then will my heart be whole again. I LOVE YOU this Mother's Day and for ever more.

Comments

  1. I love you,adore you and applaud your strength! Xx

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    1. Now that I know who you are I love you too ;-)

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  2. Such a beautiful tribute to your mom! You had a special connection with her. Cherish all your wonderful and sweet memories with her. Hugs

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    1. Thank you so much for your kindness Sabine. I really was lucky to have her. I do cherish the memories thank you

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  3. I am very moved by your heartfelt tribute to your mom. Thank you for sharing your memories and your grief. I wish you ease and comfort in the coming days.
    - Dea Lloyd

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    Replies
    1. Dear Dea thank you so much. Can't hide my grief it's much healthier to release it for me in written form and to pour out my love for her. This is the greatest loss and most painful thing I have ever and probably will ever endure. I won't forget the trauma she endured and I witnessed before she passed away and she died too early. Cancer took her body but not her kind spirit. She was such a kind person, always there for me and loved me like no other. We only get one mother and I can never talk to or see mine again. I will never be the same again nor ever fully recover from this loss and truly broken heart. I continue to exist but now with much sadness and pain. I lost someone that meant the world to me.

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  4. I am so sorry for your pain. She was a wonderful woman and beautiful mother to you. You were an amazing daughter to her as well. The fact you are carrying on and courageous enough to share your grief shows strength not weakness. She is still with you remember that. Her love carries you forward every day. When you feel like giving up get back up for her.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for your beautiful and kind words. <3

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  5. What a beautiful tribute Mel... you were so very lucky to know such love, to be loved and to give love in return... and to keep loving and remembering her even now that she is no longer physically here with you... I know your Mom is so proud of you and will be in your heart - always and forever!
    "Do not stand at my grave and weep,
    I am not there - I do not sleep.
    I am the thousand winds that blow,
    I am the diamond glints in snow,
    I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
    I am the gentle autumn rain.
    As you awake with morning's hush
    I am the swift-up-flinging rush
    Of quiet birds in circling flight.
    Do not stand at my grave and cry,
    I am not there - I did not die." - Mary Frye

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  6. Thank you so much Kate. I believe it is important to remember those we have lost. There is comfort in remembering. She was gone too soon and it is unfair and you were right I was lucky to have a mother so loving. I will eternally miss and hurt for her not being here with me. Thanks for sharing that beautiful poem by Mary Frye.

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